weakling

it's times like these when it's revealed to me my humanness, my weakness.

i promise i tried not to go.

i had an appointment to see my doctor at 7 weeks. when he did the ultrasound, it turned out that this baby was only measuring 6 weeks. not a good sign. but after some thought (and calculating), the dates made sense (i started my period a week early, so instead of ovulating late, i actually ovulated right on time. it's the birth control's fault. and ryan's for making me miss that pill). my fears were mildly settled.

on my way out of the door, my nurse-friend, alicia, who works at dr. beverly's office and who i adore, and who has struggled with me through endless text messages and my two miscarriages, said, 'if you get nervous, call me and i'll do an ultrasound.'

so i struggled for two weeks. ONLY two weeks! a pregnancy lasts 40 weeks and i only made it two.

this is going to be a long process.

after bleeding on and off for at least two weeks (and not the gushing kind, the twinge or streak here or there (sorry for the graphic information)), my brain got the better of me and i caved.

i told myself i was weak in faith. even if something was wrong it's not like the drs could do anything about it. if i wanted peace, i should pray for it. if i wanted this baby to survive, i should pray. i should use the verses i have memorized to quiet my spirit and my mind. God wanted me to trust Him and checking on the baby was my way of saying i didn't. a lady who is praying for me told me not to beat myself up for feeling weak and telling myself i'm a bad Christian for struggling, and what was i doing? EXACTLY what she told me NOT to do!

so i texted my nurse-friend alicia. i told her i just wanted to know if the baby was still alive, one way or the other. she said to come in.

i'm not going to lie. i'm so glad i did.

there was a baby, and it had a heartbeat. his heart was beating at 167 bpm. he had two arms, two legs, a nose, and a tail that i'm hoping will go away eventually. he was measuring approximately 8 weeks, the size he's supposed to be. he was even wiggling.

my nurse-friend alicia knows me, and she would not lie to me. she knows i want to know the truth so i can prepare for the future. she promised me that this baby and pregnancy looked 'perfect' and as far as pregnancies go, everything appears text book on screen. we both know that doesn't mean that things will turn out perfectly. we're realistic. but from our limited knowledge, things look... okay. and it's hard for me to say that because i'm still scared. i still feel like i am 'ye of little faith.' but i will try to continue praying that God will 'help my unbelief' (which, by the way, is one of my favorite verses). please continue to pray with me.

seems like the last few years have been laced with trials. in 2008 i had natalie, who spent new years in the nicu. while she and i were in the hospital here in bg, my grandmother (a true kindred spirit), went into the hospital in lexington and never came out. she passed away in january of 2009.

it was not an easy year.

2010 was the year i started taking antidepressants. they were so helpful in getting me back up on my feet and i'm glad i made the move to try out some medication to help me live a happier life.

in february of 2011 i had my first miscarriage. i was dazed and so very confused, and it took me many months to deal with what had happened. not trying for a baby, then becoming pregnant, finally wrapping my brain around another baby just for it to die...

2011 was not an easy year

when i finally thought i had things back in order and under control, i found out i was pregnant again. i was very apprehensive but thought that having two miscarriages in a row wasn't going to happen to me. until i went to the doctor who gave me an ultrasound and told me my baby was dead. so not trying for a baby again, then becoming pregnant again, finally wrapping my apprehensive brain around another baby again, just for it to die... all these things culminating to cause a mental breakdown. i'm lucky i survived.

2012 was very much not an easy year.

so here it's 2013. january passes and i've managed not to get pregnant. and february. but then march...

today i am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. i'm petrified. and when i'm not petrified, i'm numb. i want to be happy but when happiness starts to creep in it is strangled by fear and trepidation. i'm tiptoeing around this pregnancy because i can't stop thinking that it's just a matter of time until this one is over. i don't know what i'm going to do.

how to get 'em OUT

I keep seeing all these posts on pinterest about how to make your labor experience this wonderful, magical time where you bring forth life into a peaceful, beautiful world and there are rainbows and sunshine and butterflies everywhere, and i laugh at myself b/c i think, 'that is so stupid.' labor is the physical equivalent of running a marathon. that is 26.2 MILES. people train for MONTHS AND YEARS to run 26.2 miles and when they've finished that distance, they look a hot. mess. they are covered in sweat, have black and bloodied toe nails, need thermal blankets to keep from passing out, aren't allowed to sit down b/c they'll get cramps like none other (except for contractions)... they may have accomplished running 26.2 miles, but they are an overall disaster! and they do it in public!!

so let me give you the skinny on what's gonna get you through labor and delivery, because while a lot of things might HELP (focused breathing, leg exercised, sitting on big rubber balls, etc.), once you get in the trenches, it's every woman for herself.

1) Be flexible.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. you're either going to squeeze out a screaming, squirming, bloody person or one is gonna be pulled out of you. if all goes perfectly, that's what's gonna happen. the main point is: the end justifies the means. this delivery isn't about you and your perfect, flawless, experience, this delivery is about getting that baby out of your body in the safest way possible so that everyone SURVIVES. giving birth is a serious thing and should be observed as such. so if things don't go the way you imagined they would and you end up with a c-section instead of the unmedicated birth you wanted, it's OKAY. you aren't there for yourself, you are there for your child. this is your first test of motherhood. it is a sacrifice of your wants and desires for the needs of your child that you are responsible for. motherhood is scary, so there's no shame in being freaked by having your baby cut out of you, or being induced because said child refuses to exit on his own and your placenta is deteriorating so he HAS to come out before age 16. if everything goes your way in the delivery room, GREAT! i really am glad for you! but if it doesn't, suck it up and do what you have to do to get that baby in the world as safe and sound as possible. i promise, if you go in with a birth plan and an entire mental reel of how it's going to go down, you will be miserable WHEN, no if, WHEN something doesn't go according to the way you imagined it, and there's very little time to regroup when you're in a crunch position. when i had my second baby, i didn't get the epidural that i had PLANNED on getting and had to deliver without one. i NEVER IN MY LIFE thought i'd give birth without an epi and i never WANTED to either! but when that baby decided she was coming out, she did! there was no stopping her, and when it was over it didn't matter what i had planned because she was there screaming as loud as i had been when she was climbing out of my vagina. and nothing but her mattered anymore.

 best case scenario: you know all your options and mentally prepare for each in the event that that option happens.

2) Be fearless!

Giving birth is a dirty business. chances are that whatever happens during delivery isn't the first time it's happened to your dr and DEFINITELY not your nuse(s). after my second delivery my dr pushed down on my belly and i peed all over his arm. i apologized and said that i had told the nurses i had to pee, and he of course said that was fine b/c it wasn't the first time it had happened. then, as i was pushing out my third child, i felt what was going on (i didn't have an epi) and yelled at my husband, 'RYAN DON'T LOOK I'M GONNA POOP!' and then i did. a lot. because we had had mexican the night before. and if you think you have it tough pooping in front of people, imagine being the person in whose face you're pooping and having to wipe it off! lol, yeah, they signed up for it, but so did you by getting pregnant! i'm not saying this to be mean: GET OVER YOURSELF! i promise you it will be so much easier if you throw inhibition to the wind and let 'er rip (i mean that on so many levels). and speaking of ripping: if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. your nurses and dr will do what they can to keep it from being bad, but it is what it is. and yeah, giving birth is gonna hurt. like CRAZY. the only way it's gonna stop hurting is by getting it over with, so don't hold back. grab the handles on the bed or your husband's hand, bite down on something, pull someone's hair, whatever, but do what you have to do to get that baby out! THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS! and believe me, sometimes that's the only thing holding your sanity together.

like i said before, my second baby was born without the aid of an epidural (against my plans and wishes). i never thought i was a screamer. a joker, yes; a screamer, no. but when my husband walked outside to call my mom and tell her that the baby would be born in the middle of the night rather than the next morning as predicted he mentioned that he had to step outside of the delivery room so he could hear to talk because i was yelling so loud. my mother said, 'Vanessa?' THAT'S how unlikely i was to yell. i didn't WANT to yell b/c it's so sitcom-y and cliche, but when pain that you hadn't prepared for mentally hits you, all embarrassment, fear, inhibition, dignity, all of it gets blows out the door by your desperate breaths to hold on to sanity. let your husband stand in the corner with his hands on his head and be freaked out like mine was. you OWN that birth and you GET. IT. DONE.

3) Be funny!

The saying goes that laughter is the best medicine. as someone who watched saturday night live through her first delivery, i can vouch for that. things are gonna get awkward when your bed lifts you to the ceiling and spotlights are shined directly at your goods (that includes c-sections). you need to have a joke in your back pocket. it breaks the tension and anxiety and helps everyone (i.e. YOU) relax. if you can't relax then nothing can move anywhere and you prolong the agony of birth-giving. and who really enjoys being in super serious situations anyway? they freak me out for sure, and it's hard to be fearless and scary being flexible when there is too much tension and anxiety hanging in the air. so have fun!! yeah, when things need to be serious, they're gonna get serious and you can't laugh while you're holding your breath or being cut on. but in the meantime, remember. you're HAVING A BABY! it's the miracle of birth in any form, but remember that it is a miracle that you've made it this far. you had to release an egg in a tiny window of time, sometimes with assistance, and a single sperm had to have enough sense to do it's job and fertilize the egg, not to mention that these had to be tip top specimens! then the cells had to divide and find a place to latch on, then HANG on and survive, create life, a body, organs, tissues, grow and mature... as someone who has lost two babies, it's important to know that this child you conceived could have died in there, but he MADE IT. he defied odds and came out ALIVE! when you understand the seriousness of the situation, you can appreciate the opportunity you've been given to deliver this baby, and enjoy the process of getting that baby into the world. so enjoy yourself. you won't remember the pain afterwards anyway *wink*

You see these three? They were in me. They are my heart beat, my breath, my loves <3 p="p">

let's get physical!

let's face it. i'm fat. i'm not freakishly huge and i'm still hot, but a fat, curvy hot. and i know how to rock it. but rocking it is exhausting when there's so much of it to rock. so because i'm exhausted (and because it's getting to be fall, and i find fall ridiculously motivating) i'm gonna get rid of some of it.

i've decided to give up my soda. but not completely (i have to say that b/c i haven't told myself that i'm officially getting rid of it). and i'm drinking more water. someone said that drinking ice cold water with lemon in it helps boost metabolism, and i don't know if that's true, but that's the way i like it anyway, so that is how i shall drink it.

also, i'm off all medication (antidepressants, birth control). when i was on both of them, they made me a mad woman that only had energy enough to lie in bed all day, and i hate that. when all you feel like doing is lying in bed all day, there's something wrong. i like being sane, but i don't want to be sane and in bed all the time. when i was on antidepressants and birth control, the bc canceled out the anti-d so i lay in bed all day b/c i didn't have energy and let my mind wander, which is not a good thing to do when you're CRAZY. so i was miserable thinking about how awful i was, and then had no energy to get up and do something that would take my mind off of how miserable i was. yeah... that just wasn't working for me...

OH! and the only antidepressant that works makes me gain weight like you wouldn't believe (i was on it for two weeks and gained 11 lbs, no change in diet or lifestyle. thank you, pristiq. i still have those lbs so i have even FURTHER to go to get to my ideal weight. you're awesome).

SO those are my reasons. i have a ticker (which is the real reason i'm even writing this blog post; i like it and want to post it here, but i figured i should give a reason that it randomly popped up). i'm on myfirnesspal.com so if you wanna get on there or are already on there, feel free to friend me (vlsewell)!

in case you were wondering, this is NOT what every mother of miscarriage wants to find in her mail box two weeks before the predicted due date of her baby that died.

however, since pulling this out of the mail a little while ago, i haven't had a meltdown, i didn't burst into tears or freak out and throw it across the yard, and it's still on my counter and not in the trash can. it proves that i'm healing. it proves that i'm getting better and that Christ is proving His power by healing my broken heart. and that's something to be happy about. so i guess if i can be indifferent towards this, or only shed a few frustrated tears, or not feel like i need to hide under my covers and take two aleve for the headache that comes with too much crying, i can live with getting this in the mail. certainly not every day, but just this once.

thank you all so much for your prayers. God has heard your words and your heart, and He is working in and mending mine. i feel like i can hear Him again, and if you've gone for a long time feeling forgotten, you know that's a BIG deal. i know it's because you've been petitioning for me. you are such a blessing. i can't thank you enough. thank you thank you thank you, lol!

No more secrets.

it's time that people know this. i've gone around and around trying to decide if this is something i should tell people on fb for a long time. it's not something that people usually announce, but i need to put it out there. fb status boxes aren't long enough to post everything i want to say, so i'm writing it here and posting it on my profile. if you've read this blog you know all this. if you haven't, then here it is.

in february of 2011 i had a miscarriage. i was 6 weeks pregnant when it happened. it was all natural, there was no need for intervention, so it was easy to keep it a secret. ryan and i weren't trying to conceive a baby (we were trying to prevent a baby, actually), but nothing is 100% and we conceived. we only told my parents and a couple of my very close friends. since we weren't trying to conceive a baby, although any miscarriage would be emotionally challenging, it was a particularly difficult situation because i didn't understand God's reasoning behind an accidental (on our part) conception and almost immediate loss. i struggled with the loss for a year, and then i got pregnant again.

in february of this year, i lost a second baby, this time at 9 weeks. this was what is called a 'missed miscarriage' because there were no symptoms of loss. i went for my 11-12 week appointment and the baby had no heartbeat and had died about two weeks before i knew it. the day after i found out i had a d&c. ryan and i had told our parents and some of our friends. i have not emotionally recovered well from this second miscarriage. again, ryan and i were not trying to conceive a baby, and as with the first, conceiving unexpectedly only to lose a baby for the second time is... well, devastating. it might seem natural for a person to think that since we weren't trying to have a baby that it would be easy to get over it. let me assure you, it is not.

the reason i am posting this is because i need prayer. i have been working through this and trying to deal with it almost on my own, partially due to circumstances that cannot be helped, but mainly because i have kept these losses a secret. i can't do it on my own anymore. as much as i intercede to the Father, i feel alone. i struggle with not only loneliness, but anger, and depression. i'm not doing well. i need prayer. i can't pray alone anymore, so i'm asking you to pray for me. i am so weary...

please pray for me. pray for peace. pray for my emotional stability. i can't contend with the great deceiver anymore because he's winning. i need God's help, and i need your help getting access to it. i need a reprieve from all the questions and hurt i have inside me. i wish i was stronger than this, but i'm not, and it's high time to swallow my pride and ask for my brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside me and lift me up. 

please, will you do that for me? will you love me through this? will you lift me up and encourage me? will you help me through this trial?

-Vanessa

Some days...

I wish God would fuss at me so I could hear His voice.