the ugly side of miscarriage

i'm about to get real honest, so i hope that's okay with you.

there are some really negative side effects to having a miscarriage and i can't seem to find anywhere online that addresses them. they're so taboo and unpopular that the only person i've talked with about them is ryan, and i'm embarrassed to tell anyone else because they're so... ugly. but i know i'm not the only person who has had to deal with this kind of stuff because i posted on a message board on a pregnancy/baby site and got some feedback and confirmation that what i'm feeling isn't as uncommon as one would think. so if anyone out there is reading this and has had a similar experience,or has unanswered (unsatisfactory or otherwise) questions that people don't want to tell you the truth about, i want you to know, you're not the only one. and i'm about to give you the real answer.

okay. here goes.

1) this doesn't get easier. you just cry less.
it has been 1 year 4 months and 15 days since i found out my fourth child had died. it has been 4 months and 29 days since i found out my fifth child died. i'm writing this post on 06/29/2012. i'm not over it yet. most people would think that after 1 1/2 years i would be over a miscarriage that ended at six weeks. they'd be wrong. i still grieve, i still cry, i still hurt. i wonder daily if i should change my antidepressants because i feel the way i did before i started taking them. there are days that i'm angry, days i'm depressed, days that i'm happy, and days that, for a little while, i forget that i have two babies that aren't alive. and then i feel guilty for forgetting that i have two babies that aren't alive, so i grieve some more.

i feel guilty when i think that i'm grieving for two lost children when i have three that insist on sleeping with me almost nightly. how selfish can one person be that she has three healthy, happy children but is still grieving because she had two early miscarriages and wants those kids too? i mean, what's wrong with me? even though i love my children and try to be the best mother they could ever have, why would i think of taking the chance of taking them for granted by wanting my two babies that died?

these are haunting thoughts i have quite often. i feel like if i'm not the perfect mother then i deserved to have two babies die in my womb. i don't deserve those children because i'm a bad mother to the ones i already have. these thoughts can be all-consuming, but you must remember that they are lies from the deceiver and they will eat. you. alive. if you let them. but just so you know, if you are having these thoughts, which are perfectly understandable (because grief does that to us, makes us feel guilt and pain), you are not alone. just know that no matter what you're feeling, you're not the first to feel it.

2) you're never gonna be the same
it was brought to my attention by someone who posted on my miscarriage board that, once you've had that first miscarriage, the way you do things has changed permanently, and i have to take it one step further in adding that you, yourself, are changed permanently.

when you go to the doctor and (s)he asks you how many pregnancies you've had, how many births you've had, you will now have to answer with this one less child than pregnancy. for me, i'll have to tell dr. jenkins that the number has now gone up since the last time i saw him. instead of four pregnancies and three births, i have had five pregnancies and three births. i wonder if he'll respond with a look or an 'i'm sorry,' or if he'll just continue to run down the list without acknowledging the change. i kind of hope it's the latter.

the question now is, when someone asks how many children do you have, will you answer with the number of living, or with the total number? even though in my mind i've dealt with guilt over this issue, i continue to answer three. it's just easier for me. i don't have the energy to go into detail about having five children but having two in heaven because it brings down the mood, both in the person i'm talking to and in myself, and i hate to be the one to bring it up (however, i do enjoy when people who know about my miscarriages bring it up to me because they seem to be acknowledging that i have two other children, and that makes me happy and so proud). so to make life easier on all involved, i let this one slide. but i always remember the two that aren't with me on earth when someone asks about my children.

3) sometimes, i wished i wasn't the only one having a miscarriage
this is the really ugly part. when looking at another pregnant woman, or even new babies, it's likely that something unpleasant, mean, or even spiteful will cross your mind, and you are not going to be able to control what pops up in there. *sigh* there have been times when i've looked at pregnant women and thought, 'i've had two miscarriages and she's had none. isn't it her turn to have one?' and when the thought hits me i have instant guilt and usually start to cry. i know the thought is wrong but i can't stop it from getting in my brain anymore than i could bring my children back. i just have to deal.

also, you will judge other females. it doesn't matter how hard you try not to, it just is what it is. you will be jealous of the teenager who accidentally gets pregnant and acts like a teenager during her pregnancy. you will be angry of the drug addict that ends up pregnant and drinks/does drugs throughout her pregnancy, producing a perfect, tiny baby that she may or may not eventually give away to the foster system because she is more addicted to her drugs than she is her own flesh and blood. you will hate the woman that has had at least one, if not more than one, abortion. you will loathe her when she ends up having a baby after said abortion(s) and your arms continue to be empty. like i said earlier, it is what it is.

the fact is that misery loves company, and when you have a hurt that is as justifiable as the one you are experiencing, the kind that comes with the end of the main purpose of a woman's reproductive system, the loss of something so precious and so innocent, created in love (and sometimes not), your own genetic make-up, justifying these thoughts can sometimes be easy. especially when you have no control over when they occur, or even what they are. deep down, that is where the thoughts are produce, in the pit of your stomach, the deep reaches of your heart, and made manifest in your mind in angry lashes against others close by. please don't feel guilty. accept this for what it is: pain, grief, suffering, hopelessness, helplessness. let it come, unmask it to show what it is, forgive yourself, and move on. guilt never got no one nowhere noways.

anything you read about miscarriage will say that you will have feelings of guilt, that you failed or your body failed, etc. they will say that grief, depression, anger, jealousy are all normal feelings and that your miscarriage wasn't your fault. i've never found these generalizations very helpful because, let's be honest. if someone has never been there, no matter how sympathetic she thinks she is or tries to be, she's just not going to understand. not even when you think or want someone to understand, they won't. and you can never make them. it's something indescribable that has to be experienced for someone to get it. and whenever you think that no one will ever know how you feel or will want to have a relationship with you when they know all the awful things that have gone on in your mind, another mother of miscarriage will. she will understand the anger of empty arms, the helplessness of the thought that God is toying with you, and the hopelessness that comes with the thought that mother will never be your name (again). find solace in knowing that we are out there, and if you can't find anyone or anyplace else that understands, you can look here, because i get it. and i can introduce you to some women that get it, too.



This is an update on 06/27/13. I felt like I should add some resources that have helped me along in my journey.

This is the message board I joined where I found a great deal of support:
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a15155/miscarriage_stillbirth_infant_loss_support

One thing that was so important to me was to remember my babies even though we never met face-to-face. There are so many beautiful hearts in the world that showed love to me, a stranger, and will probably never know this side of heaven how much they helped me heal. All these resources are FREE.

Several months after I requested them, I received two very beautiful hankies with the names of my heaven-born babies, their due dates, and the dates they went to be with the Father embroidered on them. This is a link to the website:
www.lilangelshankies.com

Angel Whispers is a program run out of Canada that sent me several keepsakes that I am so blessed to have. I received two of the most lovely memory boxes, birth certificates, and resource packets from them all for free and no shipping. They also produce a list of babies who have been lost on their website so others will know the names of my children and I won't have to suffer the thought that only I knew these two babies. I always know who understands my grief when the provider sends me items for no charge because I know they know it's more important to have something tangible and to receive nothing in return. I plan to donate to their cause b/c it's been such a heartwarming blessing and balm to my wounds.

http://www.angelwhispers.ca/angelwhispers/our-programs

Calvin's Hats makes tiny knitted caps that would fit a baby around 12 weeks gestation (as I look at mine I'm guessing that's the size for reference; they fit comfortably on my thumb). They also come with a little angel charm sewn onto them with ribbon. They are so precious:

www.calvinshats.com

as a personal request, i ask that if you utilize these resources and find that they bring comfort and healing to your wounded heart, please consider donating to them if at all possible. even if you can't at the moment, someday if you have available resources, i would ask that you give back just a bit so that some other mother who is suffering like we are/have/will continue to can find the same balm that you received from these very loving, generous, kindred spirits that gave time and compassion to something they found so very important. i know that when you find the love from a stranger in your mailbox, you'll want to pay it forward <3 p="">

btw, turns out i'm published. click here

random rants and other observations

i keep thinking of posts i want to make, but the app on my phone sucks and i can't post 'at my convenience' so i figure i'm just gonna write a post about a bunch of different things that have been building up for the past couple of months.

1) there is a certain type of person that eats at panera bread. i am not that type. something about its atmosphere begs for a lower class frasier crane type. i'm just not that stuffy. and i'm not saying that people that congregate there are, necessarily. the people around my age that go there are more the type that are reserved, well-mannered, somewhat well-read type. while i consider myself the well-read type (i've read almost all of stephen king (that's sarcasm. a joke i don't anticipate my panera friends to find amusing)), i'm too loud mouthed and a finger-licker, so i don't quite feel like i fit in, especially with a booming laugh like mine. the same goes for starbucks. i'm eclectic in my own way, but not the starbucks way, and i'm most certainly not studious enough to fit in at starbucks. plus, i'm not a huge coffee fan or a fan of paying $12 for a pre-order coffee that i've altered into something completely different on the menu, resulting in the equivalent of a 14 adjective black coffee. i just don't have it in me...

2) cary elwes in ridiculously under appreciated in the u.s. yeah, the hipsters of today have seen him in Saw, which i've managed to avoid like the plague. however, if you haven't seen princess bride (and you're old enough to be reading my blog, which means you have) and robin hood: men in tights, then your life isn't complete (even though i'm not a crazy fan of princess bride; try as i might, i just can't watch it over and over and over...). and if you haven't invested any time into mel brooks films, then shame on you. and IF, and this is a big IF, you don't find either man's work funny, then you have no soul and are dead. just sayin'. cary elwes has been on a couple of episodes of Psych on u.s.a. and has blown his role out of the water both times. he's an art thief. if you know who cary elwes is and just read that he is an art thief, you should at least chuckle at this. his suave and charismatic way is perfect for that type of role. you should watch his episodes, not just because he drips awesomeness, but because psych is hilarious. it's on netflix. watch it.

3) i've been reading a LOT this summer, more than i have in many summers of recent years. it's because i got a nook for myself for my birthday. if you don't have an ereader (specifically a nook), get one. they're awesome. i chose the nook because it was cheaper than the kindle, and i could go to bn and get it, and have it in my hands immediately (instant gratification is my vice). after i bought it, i found this nifty little memory card that enhanced my nook experience by leaps and bounds, at least. if you're falling behind the curve when it comes to electronics and accessories, i feel your pain. thankfully, i know how to navigate the internet so that helps keep me up-to-date in some aspects. anyway, the nook is essentially an android tablet (which about means that it's just not an apple) and, when rooted (programming changed to do more than what it was programmed to do by the manufacturer), it can be used as an android tablet. the only way i can describe this is that it looks like my phone, which is an android. same apps, same specs, etc. problem is, when the nook is rooted, the warranty is voided. because i'm awesome at navigating the internet, i usually and conveniently stumble over alternative methods to stuff like this, which led me to n2a (nook2android). it is an SD card (memory card that's tiny) that i can put in my nook that turns it into an android tablet (makes it look and act like my phone except for texting and calling), but when i take the SD card out, it returns to manufacturer specs (goes back to how it was before i changed it and acts the same as when i bought it), therefore eliminating the warranty void because it wasn't permanently changed. THIS is awesome because i can put all compatible apps from the android market/google play on my nook! since amazon kindle is an android app, i can get amazon kindle ebook on my bn nook! i feel awesome because i beat the system because there is no way to put amazon ebooks on a nook without this change (competing companies and all). score one for the little (wo)man!

4) i've learned to use a sewing machine, and it's awesome. as soon as i can afford more fabric, i'm totally sewing something!

5) OH! I REMEMBER!! the whole reason i started #3 was to talk about some of the books i've read. this can be my recommendation list for summer readings so far.

books i highly recomment:
-The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King. Don't worry, they aren't scary. the story, however, if off the charts awesome, so you need to read them.
-Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs (i think is his name). it's different and unusual. you might even say peculiar. and it's a young adult book, but i really liked it.
-The Devil in Pew No. 7 by Rebecca Nichols Alonzo. it's a true story of a preacher and his family that was terrorized by a man from their church who lost some power in the church. it's hard to read emotionally, but you should anyway.

books that are okay:
-I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore. this one rates high on this list because i actually like it quite a bit, but the ending falls off and i was disappointed b/c the library doesn't have the next one in the series, so that may have made me biased.
-Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. it's about a girl who killed herself but left tapes for 13 people telling them why they were partly responsible for her death. it's a cool concept, but the main character is kinda whiny and i spent a lot of times thinking of ways she should change her attitude, so that was distracting. however, the story is interesting and some of the stuff that happens in it are pretty good hooks, so it's worth the read.
-Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? and other concerns by Mindy Kalling. this girl is the one that plays kelly kapoor on the office. i expected it to be funnier, but it wasn't bad. she and i have a lot in common, especially our sense of humor, which is why i expected to be laughing through the entire book, so that's probably why i was a little disappointed. however, there's some good stuff in there and she makes her narcissism funny, which i can appreciate b/c i do the same thing, so anyone that has a decent sense of humor should read this.

books to avoid (unless you're just into this type of stuff, which means you're boring and humorless):
-Mr. Darcy Forever by Victoria Connelly. I was soooo disappointed by this book! i loved pride and prejudice (by jane austen, ya loser) and i thought a spin off of the story would be good, and while it may be, this was not it. it was cheesy, about two sisters obsessed with jane austen who had a falling out and were reunited at the jane austen festival in bath, england. yeah, i was over it about half way through, but i persisted and read all of it, and for that i'm proud of myself.
-One Drop by Bliss Broyard. this is another true story of a girl who found out that her dad was black (even though he looked white) a couple weeks before her dad died. she was surprised because her skin was an olive color, for those of you wondering how something like this is even possible. anyway, it's her book revealing the secret to people who may have cared (her dad was a socialite and among the crowd that actually reads and writes for the new york times. she name drops a lot, but i don't recognize any of the names. people who are too good for panera and starbucks, and as we know, i'm beneath those two places). she realizes she has racist tendencies toward black people so she has guilt and tries to fix it, ultimately resulting in her becoming racist toward white people (that's just my opinion). she keeps trying to discover who she is now that she hears that her race is different than what she thought it was, which can be an earth-shaking thing to people, but not something one should obsess over, which is what this book amounts to. i didn't finish it because it was boring and, frankly, i don't care if she 'finds herself' but i was tired of looking with her. so i wouldn't bother with this one.

I think that's it for the moment. i know i have more things to ramble about, but i forgot what they were. lates!