No more secrets.

it's time that people know this. i've gone around and around trying to decide if this is something i should tell people on fb for a long time. it's not something that people usually announce, but i need to put it out there. fb status boxes aren't long enough to post everything i want to say, so i'm writing it here and posting it on my profile. if you've read this blog you know all this. if you haven't, then here it is.

in february of 2011 i had a miscarriage. i was 6 weeks pregnant when it happened. it was all natural, there was no need for intervention, so it was easy to keep it a secret. ryan and i weren't trying to conceive a baby (we were trying to prevent a baby, actually), but nothing is 100% and we conceived. we only told my parents and a couple of my very close friends. since we weren't trying to conceive a baby, although any miscarriage would be emotionally challenging, it was a particularly difficult situation because i didn't understand God's reasoning behind an accidental (on our part) conception and almost immediate loss. i struggled with the loss for a year, and then i got pregnant again.

in february of this year, i lost a second baby, this time at 9 weeks. this was what is called a 'missed miscarriage' because there were no symptoms of loss. i went for my 11-12 week appointment and the baby had no heartbeat and had died about two weeks before i knew it. the day after i found out i had a d&c. ryan and i had told our parents and some of our friends. i have not emotionally recovered well from this second miscarriage. again, ryan and i were not trying to conceive a baby, and as with the first, conceiving unexpectedly only to lose a baby for the second time is... well, devastating. it might seem natural for a person to think that since we weren't trying to have a baby that it would be easy to get over it. let me assure you, it is not.

the reason i am posting this is because i need prayer. i have been working through this and trying to deal with it almost on my own, partially due to circumstances that cannot be helped, but mainly because i have kept these losses a secret. i can't do it on my own anymore. as much as i intercede to the Father, i feel alone. i struggle with not only loneliness, but anger, and depression. i'm not doing well. i need prayer. i can't pray alone anymore, so i'm asking you to pray for me. i am so weary...

please pray for me. pray for peace. pray for my emotional stability. i can't contend with the great deceiver anymore because he's winning. i need God's help, and i need your help getting access to it. i need a reprieve from all the questions and hurt i have inside me. i wish i was stronger than this, but i'm not, and it's high time to swallow my pride and ask for my brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside me and lift me up. 

please, will you do that for me? will you love me through this? will you lift me up and encourage me? will you help me through this trial?

-Vanessa

Some days...

I wish God would fuss at me so I could hear His voice.

Should I stay or should I go

so here's the rundown...

i was disrupted just now and can't remember what i was gonna write.

...

oh yeah.

well, scratch that. i got a phone call right as i remembered what i was gonna post about. it was from the minister of education at my church (EBC: Eastwood Baptist Church in bg, ky for anyone who doesn't know this info already), bro. ed.

let me start at the beginning.

two years ago was the first time i went on a mission trip with ebc and it was the first trip ed had gone on after he got his job at the church. we got to know each other pretty well on that trip so now we're big buddies. the second year i went (fall 2011) he was the leader for the group (first year was senior pastor bro. tom) so it was our second trip to asia together. when we got back, i had already decided that i wasn't going to go back again this year b/c 1) financial reasons, and 2) i just wasn't convinced i needed to go. that doesn't necessarily mean anything anyway b/c i've never been convinced i needed to go, but i went b/c i love missions. it's in my blood.

so a few weeks ago (after i had finally gotten him to quit asking me if i was sure) ed comes to me and tells me that he really misses me b/c i've been on all the asia trips with him and he wished he had me on the team for experience purposes and b/c we're buddies and have a rollickin' good time together, lol. i told him that i wished i was going to b/c i love the kids that we work with (they're only 4-5 years younger than me, ha) and i had been thinking about and missing them a lot lately. he said he needed one more person to round out the trip and said he had someone who was thinking about going but kind of riding the fence about it, so i said that if he did all the fund raising for me and he still needed someone else to go, i'd go. he said that he'd check around and see what all he could come up with.

so this phone call that i got from him today was to tell me that, so far, he had $1500 available to take another person which leaves a difference of $1000 for the person to pay (going to asia is exPENSIVE! now you know why i was so hesitant to go again this year. the first year i went the trip cost $2200 and last year was $2600 i think. yeah. not a cheap one). thinking about the conversation, i don't think he even asked if i wanted to go, it was just a foregone conclusion on his end that if the money comes up, i'm going. of course that's what i said to him a few weeks ago, so i can't really blame him for thinking that, lol! we talked flights out, flights back, dates and times, etc. we prayed about it and now it's a wait and see situation to find out if God wants me to go or not. honestly, i'm indifferent. i'll live either way, and while i'd be somewhat disappointed if i don't end up going, i don't think i'd be unbearable to live with during the time when the group was gone.

 i was actually kind of surprised to hear from him and have him tell me that he had that much available b/c when i said i'd go, albeit serious, i didn't expect it to come to fruition. but knowing ed, this development doesn't surprise me. i know he's good for his word, i just forget when i'm shooting off at the mouth. when ed wants something and is determined, he can usually make it happen.

another thing, kind of random, is that i'm flattered that ed wants me to go. i don't know that he's searching for money just for me (i don't know one way or the other), but the fact that he's got this money that he may have stumbled into or worked hard to collect and i'm the person that he calls is kind of an honor. he must think i'm pretty decent at the work i do while i'm in asia and he must see something in me that leads him to think of me as a good candidate for this position on the team, and i really respect ed, so it makes me feel pretty good that he thinks somewhat highly of me :)

okay, well... that's that. if you're reading this, i appreciate your time, haha! and i'd sure appreciate some prayers for myself and ryan, and ed as well. pray for discernment. if God doesn't want me to go, then i don't want to go either. but if He does, then i do, too. i don't want to spend so much time dwelling on it that i lose sight of what He wants and run myself in circles in my mind trying to decide b/c it distracts me from Him and hearing His voice. (trust me, it's very frustrating being in my head sometimes.)

also, if you could just pray for my head. i've gone off my meds recently (like, 3 days ago). i was taking some medicine that was reacting in a quite unpleasant mental way with some other meds i was on, and then i switched meds and came off one rx, and that's when all heck broke loose. in my brain. i've also had some hard hits in regards to a friend giving birth recently, and that in combo with the medication debacle has not been pretty. i'm maybe coming out the other side of the hot mess that is my emotions, and i'm going to have to go back to my dr and rework some stuff, so prayers for that are so insanely appreciated.

okay. thanks for listening and thanks in advance for the prayers :)

can you relate?

a while back i went through a phase, along w/fb, where i did a ton of quizzes and surveys and whatnot. my favorite was '25 things about me you may or may not know.' i did two of them. and i'm about to do another one. because like i said before, i'm a narcissist.

here are the most recent. if you're interested in the first two lists, i'll include them at the bottom.
51. in my opinion, all the good shows get canceled. it's because they're too smart for the general public. arrested development, running wilde, my name is earl, and flight of the conchords. and community was almost canceled until geeks united and insisted nbc not be stupid and keep it on the air. to their credit, they listened.
52. i think reality shows are so stupid. it may be really happening, but the only difference then them and a sitcom is that their names haven't been changed and the ad libbing sucks.
53. i weigh 200 lbs and think i'm a sexy beast. so there!
54. i have three tattoos. my mother only knows about one. don't tell her about the other two.
55. i don't have cable. cable is stupid. i can find the shows i wanna watch on the internet and watch them WHEN i want to instead of waiting until it pops up on tv. and on netflix, no commercials.
56. i love pinterest. and what i love more about pinterest is when i make an original post and people 'like' or repin it. they love me! they really love me!!
57. i've been to asia twice, and i'd move there if the mission board had a position for our family. seriously.
58. i lost my wedding ring about a year ago. it was a five stone, half carat diamond band. i had a yard sale about two months ago and found it in a tote. if i could have, i would have driven around in a vehicle with a megaphone or PA system and made a public service announcement to anyone and everyone. the only person available to tell was my dad, and he couldn't have cared less.
59. we got this dog as a companion for me since i lost the baby. i love this dog. he's become one of my babies. i love that he loves me the most :)
60. i have to have a sheet and a quilt/blanket/comforter on me when i sleep. i don't care if i sweat a metric ton, that sheet and blanket are NOT coming off.
61. if it were physically possible, i'd love to live off of bloomin' onions from outback.
62. i have a super crazy dry sense of humor and think i'm about the most hilarious person on earth. my wit is at least in the top five, following will ferrell, john c reilly, and my pastor (oh, if you only knew).
63. i think people that can't laugh at themselves are the real narcissists. i heard a saying once that, 'you wouldn't be worried about what people were thinking of you if you knew how little time they spend actually thinking about you.' this makes me think of my sister in law. she can't function because of the fear of embarrassment. of course she could be like me and be deluded into thinking she's super hilarious.
64. i learned how to use my sewing machine. i've used it once but think about using it every day. but i don't want to have to sit at the table to use it. i keep trying to think of a way to use it while staying in my bed.
65. in my head, i'm a crazy awesome athlete. in reality, i'm like, 'exercise? how about we read a book?'
66. speaking of which, i'm nuts over stephen king's dark tower series. if you haven't read it, you must. my brother made fun of me because it started in the 70s and i was just now reading it.i reminded him that he was old enough to read it when it came out and that i hadn't even been conceived yet. we should do the math. yeah. check mate.
67. some of my favorite animated movies include: despicable me, tangled, cinderella, the emperor's new groove, ratatouille, and... that's it.
68. i love phineas and ferb. it may be for little kids, but it is hilarious!! thankfully it hasn't been canceled yet :-/
69. if you watch community, you'll understand this. the last couple of years have been my dark timeline. i'm hoping for a better next season.
70. our church has a satellite church. it's called plano campus. it's way smaller than our main campus and more contemporary. it's amazing, and God is amazing through it. but, secretly, i'm glad the people who came to the new campus are who they are, and some people didn't find their way out there.
71. i listened to a non-christian radio station on my mom's car radio for the first time in i don't know how long. once i found the two christian stations in town, they're usually my go-to stations. not that i wouldn't listen to pop culture music; it's just not that good anymore :-/
72. like main stream music, movies have kind of gone down the crapper, too. the last really good movie i saw was the help, and before that, i can't remember. seems like all the stories have been told and now they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. hollywood is the ultimate worst.
73. if i could live off of outback bloomin' onions but they weren't available, i'd ask for jiaozi (chinese dumplings). the fried kind.
74. i've been married for almost 8 years (august 7th). i love ryan more every year (can't say day. the fluctuation is too volatile, lol).
75. meredith starts kindergarten this year. thinking about it makes me want to have a panic attack and i don't know why. i hope she loves it and she gets the foundation to become a strong, independent, compassionate woman. and i hope i learn some new discipline techniques from her teacher. if she tells me, 'i'll do this but i'm not doing this' one more time, i'm gonna knock her block off.

*BONUS* I FINALLY GRADUATED COLLEGE!!!




list 1:
1. i've spent too long trying to get out of college, but if i pass my two classes this semester, i'll be finished! 
2. i'm a history major and psych minor these days. 
3. i HATE the birthday song. i hate it more when people sing it to me. what am i suppose to do during that time? just sit there and let people stare and sing to me? weird. 
4. i've seen every episode of gilmore girls, and still watch the reruns :) 
5. i don't eat mushrooms, olives, cucumbers, and i don't care if i'm from kentucky, i don't drink sweet tea. or unsweet tea, for that matter. 
6. i hate uk. i'm a western fan. and on top of hating uk, i like duke! 
7. i think that smelling something foul is nasty, but tasting it is worse. so even if something smells, i still breathe through my nose and deal with the smell, because if it smells that bad, i DEFINITELY don't want to taste it! 
8. i don't like to step on cracks. 
9. i don't count how many times i chew my food, but i make sure that each side of my mouth gets the same amount of chews. otherwise i feel 'off-balance.' 
10. i have an irrational fear that if i take my children on a cruise, they will fall overboard. i honestly could have nightmares about it b/c it makes me so anxious. so no cruises for the family. 
11. i love filling out pointless surveys! 
12. i was engaged to someone else when ryan and i met (i'd expand, but i'm friends with that guy on facebook and don't want to be one of those girls that does ugly stuff like that). 
13. i once punched ryan's roommate. in the face. and i'm not sorry b/c he deserved it. just ask ryan. and i'd do it again if i could, only i'd take better aim. 
14. i use to work at lowes. and goody's, but lowes was better. or the one in somerset was. 
15. i'm still afraid that some day something is going to reach out from under the bed and grab my leg when i get out of bed in the dark. or in the light for that matter. 
16. i've had three babies, two without an epidural, but only one was on purpose. i didn't think i could have a baby without an epi until i did by accident. 
17. i have helped build stairs, a wall frame, put tar paper on a roof and vinyl siding on the side of a church, and LOVED it! 
18. i would love to visit russia. 
19. if i could have cable with just the channels tlc, discovery, discovery health, travel channel, food network, abc family, hgtv, and fln, i'd sooooo sign up for it. these are the only channels i watch anyway. 
20. i use to have a crush on jimmy fallon (well, more like an obsession). 
21. i think the manning brothers are HILARIOUS, and could watch those oreo commercials all day long. 
22. i wish the guy on the freecreditreport.com commercials had a cd b/c i wouldn't buy it, but i'd totally pirate it off a p2p sharing network. 
23. i desperately want a treadmill, and not for clothes-hanging/coat rack purposes. 
24. i love the iron chef america, but it wouldn't be the same if i hadn't seen iron chef japan. and i love the iron chefs on the american version, but they're just not as cool as the iron chefs of japan (well, morimoto is, but he's an original, so he doesn't count). 
25. i hate professional sports. too much money, too little passion.




list 2
26. i want to go to greece too. i said russia in the last one, and left out greece. sorry! 
27. i have about a hundred western tshirts. ryan doesn't let me go to the bookstore b/c every time i go, i leave with another western tshirt. case and point: i went to pick up my cap and gown last week and left with, you guessed it, a western tshirt. and i would have left with a wku cap, too, but couldn't find any. 
28. i wish i could go to culinary school. i think that would be awesome! 
29. i'm a cell phone junky. of course most of you know that, but admittance is the first step to recovery. 
30. my favorite flower is the hibiscus. i like them so much i have them tattooed on my back. which leads me to #31. 
31. i have a tattoo. just the one. i use to think i might like to have another, something a little more sentimental than the last (the last is sentimental, but not the kind of sentiment i would like, lol), but i figure the more i age, the less attractive it would be. so i'm refraining. 
32. i love pizza. i could eat it every. single. day. but only sausage and pepperoni. it's my favorite. 
33. two of my past college professors have been fired in the past two years for sexual harassment. i visited both professors in their offices for extended periods of time, and that really creeps me out, b/c i would never take one for the team with either of them for that final grade. ew. 
34. i now am obsessed with james marsden and that guy from p.s. i love you (the husband that died). H.O.T. 
35. i own the snl version of trivial pursuit. and i'm really bad at it, but i love it anyway. 
36. i did NOT graduate after i wrote my last 25 random things note, as most of you know. but i also am no longer a history major and psych minor. i'm back to double major status and am walking the line on dec. 19th whether i pass my last two classes or not (and not to jinx it or be presumtuous, but i think i'm gonna pass this time, lol). 
37. i have super huge hands and really long fingers. makes for mad piano skills, yo. 
38. oh, also. i took piano lessons for 10 years growing up. first from my grumpy aunt, then from my youth director's wife, THEN from mrs. house. that crazy old bat. she studied at julliard, so she was a nut. but hilarious. she's always say, 'it's a quarter of 4' and i'd remind her that my math skills weren't very good and i didn't know what that meant. so she just started showing me her watch after that. and she use to hit my hands, and was jealous that my fingers were longer than hers. ah, i miss mrs. house... 
39. i have an internet boyfriend, lol. well, it isn't official b/c he hasn't technically asked, but he says we never broke up in the first place so we still 'own' each other. i'm skeptical about it. and i'd tag him in this post, but his wife wouldn't like it, LOL!!! 
40. before i go to a social function, i get this wave of antisocial-ness. when ryan and i are on our way to a function, i start saying, 'i don't want to go. i don't want to see any of these people. i don't feel like being over there. let's go for two minutes and leave.' and it continues for the first few minutes we're there. i mean i really don't like anyone. then i start talking and we're usually the last to leave. weird... 
41. i play handbells, too! i love it. it's awesome. handbells are the coolest! 
42. when i was in high school, i drove a red solara. i named her lola, b/c what lola wants, lola gets. the night i got her, i went outside and just sat in her for an hour. didn't turn her on or anything. it was february. now my dad drives her and i'm SOOOOOOOOOOO jealous. i loved that car... 
43. my favorite smells are: fires/burning leaves, lowes lumber dept., chrome for men, anything Christmasy, like cinnamon, spice, etc. there are some others, but i can't think of them now. but i really love men's cologne, lol. 
44. i love when people rant in their statuses in a really sarcastic way. they're my favorites. 
45. i LOATHE when people drive down the wrong direction in the aisles in a parking lot. HELLO!? DO YOU NOT SEE WHICH WAY THE ARROWS ARE POINTING? oh, and also when people pull thru the parking spot that's across from the one their in. people know that's a potential accident, right? sheesh... 
46. why is it that when people find out i'm getting a psych degree, they say, 'analyze me!' they know i'm not qualified for that, right? i mean, i can give them an 'analysis' but they might not like what i have to say, lol. 
47. i dont' like when people touch me in any way that might be considered 'intimate' unless they are close personal friends or family. and even then, i dont' like some of them touching me. like, i can't get a massage. it freaks me out. and even when i get a pedicure, and the lady is rubbing my leg with lotion, i want to say (and have before), 'hey hey hey, don't you think you should buy me dinner first or something?' 
48. i once said that last line of #47 to my obgyn. 
49. i love my name. vanessa. i use to hate it, but now i think it's great. not many people have it, so i like that. and it's greek, so i like to pretend i'm leggy and have a dark complexion with really long, straight, dark hair. some of that is true, but i'm not as skinny as i fantisize, lol. 
50. my facebook profile is set to stealth mode b/c i'm hiding from my inlaws. no one can request me as a friend on here anymore, so if you made it, congrats, lol!! sucks for you!!!

Beautiful Feet

Got a new tattoo yesterday. I already love it :) These aren't great pictures, so I'll see if I can't work on that. It says 'Beautiful Feet' in Chinese. It's from Romans 10:14-15, and I chose Chinese because of the time I've spent there. If I do any 'M' work in other countries besides China I intend to get the same thing in that language, hence the reason for the size and location. Please excuse all my freckles, lol. I've been in the sun some lately.

Top Ten someecards/lolsotrue/so-relatable

so, i'm addicted to pinterest. i love it. my new favorite pinterest addiction within the addiction are all the funny someecards and lolsotrue posts. they crack me UP! while i was lying in bed last night, i thought it would be fun to list the top ten that described me. you know, like the '25 random things you don't know about me' or whatever that was circulating fb a couple of years ago (i made two, lol). i don't know if anyone else will find it as amusing as i know i will, but i'm gonna do it anyway b/c i'm narcissistic ;)

#10

This is absolutely the truth. There is nothing worse than biting into something you thought was one things and turns out to be something else disgusting. 

#9

Sometimes I feel sorry for my friends because they have to listen to me talk. All I ever do is reference my favorite television show, a mel brooks movie, or something like pinterest. I guess it makes me feel less lonely and less like a societal reject for having such crazy thoughts and making goof references all the time, lol!!

#8

I've had this issue with a couple of people in the past, and it is one of my biggest pet peeves (although I'm probably guilty of it myself). I try to be a good friend, but when I get random calls from you in the middle of the night from yet another random phone number, then you tell me to call you back at said number just for it to go to the voicemail of a stranger, then when I leave a message or talk to said stranger who says you're not around you don't bother to call me back for another couple of months, again, in the middle of the night... well, we're not friends anymore.

#7

Now if we can all get on the same page about what 'right' and 'wrong' are...

#6

I don't like pie. People tell me that I don't know what I'm missing b/c I don't eat pie, and I don't really have interest in trying it (seriously, why would you try to get someone addicted to something that is bad for them? Lol!). I don't blame a lot of people in the U.S. for not knowing better. If you have never done international travel, you will not appreciate this to the capacity that you could. When people talk about racism in the U.S., poverty, or even when my kids say the phrase, 'I'm starving!' I often times cringe. I do not discount these problems within our society, but when you've seen the destitution of other people and places in the world, there is a significant shift in one's perspective. People talk about how blessed they are to live in the United States, and in some ways that's true, but I've found myself to be happier and more carefree when away from the pettiness of America.

#5

This is an example of #7, haha! The United States thinks it's so advanced in its thinking, but when you look underneath the surface, we're just as depraved as the rest of the world and need Jesus just as much as anyone else. What else can I say? We're all hypocrites.

 #4

I'm gonna get honest here for a moment (because I haven't already? Ha!). I am 5'7 and weigh in at a sturdy 200 lbs (give or take a few, depending on what time of the month it is). I'm not ashamed of this because I feel good about myself! Yes, I wish I ate healthier and exercised more to keep my body in tip-top shape because I know it would increase my energy and make me feel better in a general sense, but when I look in the mirror at my naked self, I'm not overcome with disgust at my big ole boobs and thunder thighs, or even the cellulite that dimples my butt (I could do without some of the back fat, though). I don't look like my body is out of control. And when I put on hot outfit that makes me look rockin', I start to feel like the above picture, haha!! As of late, I've had some criticism over my body (thanks, Mom), and I've decided to ignore it and be happy in my skin. Go me!!

#3

I literally feel like this is my life story. I never thought about it, but when I read this, it made me think about times that I have laughed so hard that no noise has come out, and I DO clap my hands when that happens, and, oh my gosh, this post is true!!! And then it made me laugh so hard I acted out the post spontaneously, and from there is was over.

#2

This one is one that I made myself. I hate that it's true, but I can't help it. I've tried to reel it in, but I can't seem to help myself. I'm glad that people can appreciate it for what it is: humor.

 #1

BUT: 

This is kind of like #2, and it's a two-for. I sometimes joke that I have no internal censoring system, but I do. I just can't resist making that joke and seeing the shocked look on a friend's face when those words really do come out of my mouth, and they don't want to laugh, but they do and they just can't help it. I once knew a lady in a former Sunday School class that said, "I love Vanessa. She brings the 'real' to the class." In another SS class, I said the word 'sex' and made a couple people blush. But the topic was spousal relationships, and my comment was completely appropriate! So I said the word sex about 6 times in a row when I pointed out that we were in a young married couple's class and, can you believe it, the majority of us in there were having sex with our spouse!! I teach 4s and 5s (year olds) in SS so I've had to bring in my inappropriateness. But if the parents of those kids only knew...

Bonus Material:

it's a starchy kind of day

other than about 12 pop tarts for breakfast (well, three. but if i had 12 chocolate chip pop tarts, i would have eaten all of them by now. forget cigarettes; those things are like nicotine!) all i've eaten today are potatoes. i found a recipe for twice baked potato casserole on the internet, but didn't have all the right ingredients for it, so i winged it. here's the original recipe:

1 1/2 c peeled, cubed potatoes
3 c sour cream
1 c mozzarella
1 c cheddar cheese
12 strips bacon, fried and crumbled

this is my recipe:

1 1/2 c potatoes, peeled, cubed
1 c french onion dip (the kind that's in the fridge section, not a packet of it)
1 can cream of chicken
1 can cream of celery
1/2 cup cheddar cheese
some shredded hot pepper cheese that i didn't measure b/c it was in a block so i just shredded until i felt like i wouldn't catch on fire when i ate this.
8 slices bacon, fried and... somewhat mangled.

bake @350/375 until potatoes are tender.

so far i've had about 1/2 of the casserole, which i baked in a 9x13 dish. why had i never thought to use something like pre-made french onion/ranch dip for stuff like this? i mean, i consider myself a clever person (hence my hodge podge variation on the original recipe). why hadn't i ever tried this before? *sigh* i guess if all genius came to me at once, my head would explode all over the kitchen and that wouldn't be sanitary, so in an attempt at self-preservation my sub-conscious brain only lets these little secrets slip whenever it thinks my conscious brain can handle it.

ALL THAT TO SAY you should really try my recipe (preferably with more cheese, both kinds. at least a cup of each. regardless of how good my casserole tastes, it could always use more cheese).

for those that know me pretty well (or at least go to church with me), you know that for the past two years i've made the unreasonably long flight to asia to teach english as a second language to university students. if you know me even better, you know that i've done quite a bit of traveling in the u.s. (and some outside of it) doing some mission work. when i was a kid, my dad was apart of a group called macedonian mission builders run by leon jasper (uncle leon to jessica and roger, lol) who is an incredibly awesome and amazing man. he put together a sort of company that would travel both nationally and internationally to help build churches for missions. it helped save on the members' costs since they only paid for supplies and not labor, and it was a blessing for those who were able to put their carpentry skills to divine use. before i graduated high school, i had built stairs, put up wall frames, laid tar paper on a roof, put vinyl siding up, mixed cement, laid brick, and left my signature on the studs of more than one church, not to mention time i spent passing out meals, snacks, and drinks to those working in (what i tend to remember being the usual condition) the heat of summer from colorado, all the way to the rainy season of belize. when i think about the places i've been and, more importantly, the people i encountered and worked along-side, i shake my head to realize how blessed i've been.

if you didn't know this already, when i was in college, my parents decided that God was calling them to move to belize, so they did. in august of 2003, during my second year of college, my parents moved me into a one bedroom apartment and, two weeks later, left the country. i've always been the kid in the family to perpetuate the typical third child personality of being laid back and carefree, so for me, this was fine. like any baby of the family, i had my moments, but for the most part i figured if God was telling my parents to do something, who was i to contest? so i went with it and that worked for me.

since my parents returned about 2 1/2 years after their move out of the country, i've had the opportunity to do some traveling of my own in the mission field. if my parents hadn't moved back to bowling green where we live instead of somerset where i grew up, i don't think i would have been able to do this traveling because they've helped out with the kids so much. all this has been God's way to provide me a catalyst for mission work.

today, the minister on staff at eastwood approached me yet again about the mission trip to asia this year. both years that i have gone to asia, i have traveled with brother ed in the group, and he and i have a special relationship because of it (and because of our sense of humor and love for all things WKU, lol). since i got back last year, i've told ed that this year's trip wasn't going to be a possibility. the cost of the trip averages about $2400, and with ryan's job being crappy lately and all that jazz, money is tight. as a matter-of-fact, i'm still paying off last year's trip. ed knows that this is the reason i've said no to this year's trip, and he understands. he mentioned today that he was really missing me as a part of the team this year and wished i was able to go. i just looked at him with one of those looks that he knows, the look of longing and disappointment. he knows that if money was no obstacle that i'd be in asia in a heartbeat. i told him if he could find the funds within the church for me to go (sponsorship, etc.), i'll be on the flight. he said he may take me up on the offer, and in my heart, i hope he does and God works everything out so i get a call one day saying, 'hey, i've got the money. you wanna go?'

i find it ironic that he said this to me today because just a few days ago i was thinking about my 'foreign friends' and wishing i could see them this fall. i even made a remark to ryan about scrounging up enough couch change to go this year, even though we both know it's not a financial possibility. i miss my friends. if you've never traveled out of the country, especially to places with people that are far less blessed than we are as citizens of the u.s.a. (which is pretty much everywhere), you just don't understand. and that's okay if you don't. i know not everyone has been as privileged and blessed as i have to be able to do international traveling, and i do not take this for granted. it has all been a God thing that i would never have been able to accomplish on my own and i am grateful always to the gifts that God has given me in the opportunity to travel to these far away places to see and love these foreign faces. but these people are humble people, who are far more grateful for things that i DO take for granted, and i wish with my heart that i could give them everything they could ever desire. their love for family, their acceptance and love for me... i can't describe it.

there is a group inside the group, divided by ethnicity. when people mention racism in the united states, i literally want to punch them in the face. the group inside the group that i have encountered go to college to be told by their professors that they are stupid, worthless, and will never amount to anything. this is the literal translation of what they are told. imagine if someone said that to kids in schools in the u.s. the professor would be sued, fired, and ostracized from society! in asia, it's commonplace, and even the students have begun to believe it. when i go to this university, i am given the opportunity to tell these children that i love them, i love them, they are special, beautiful, wanted, worthwhile, and more. and as a person that doesn't say those 'three little words' lightly, by the end of my time with these children, i say it, and i know i mean it. being able to tell someone that i love them, knowing that i truly do, that it comes from the depths of my heart, is so freeing that i would travel the world just to tell them over and over. then to be able to tell them of the infinite, powerful, sacrificial, unending, unconditional love of God... you have to experience it to understand.

on top of that, i get the chance to show the professors how to value these children. now i have no irrational expectation that i will reverse this racism in the few days that i'm in asia, but i do have the opportunity to chip away at it just a little. these professors look at me and listen to what i have to say because, of all things, i'm an American! talk about a power trip! and i take it seriously. they want to know what i know about teaching college students. hello!! i was just a college student myself a few years ago; i don't know anything, lol! why on earth would they think i had a clue as to what i'm doing? it's because i'm an american. and they watch me. and since i know they're watching me, and i'm loving on their students with words and actions, maybe they can see the change in their students' faces and be a little kinder, a little softer, and a little more loving and open to those children. i once asked a boy what happened if he was caught sleeping in class. he said the prof. might hit him over the head (this wasn't the discriminated group). i was shocked, to say the least, but i'm so honored that this young man knew that i was going to love on him and not lay a hand on him in anger or chastisement. the trust from the students is overwhelming, and a responsibility that i do NOT take lightly.

today, i wondered if my family was being called to the mission field. i wondered if i could get rid of all my earthy possessions and follow Him wherever He led. i want to say yes, but of course i'm human, so realistically it would be a struggle. further, i'd have to lay down my dreams, and with my past in regards to having another baby, which is something i'm struggling over (should we? shouldn't we? is this the reason God hasn't given us these last two babies? is He preparing us to leave?) but i know what i'd be missing, so if God tells me to go, i hope to be confident enough in Him and in past experience to boldly and happily say, 'yes, Lord, i'll go.'

okay, time for a little more jolly and a little less... 'ugh'.

we got a dog. his name is bama. he's 7 1/2 years old and a labrador retriever/chesapeake bay retriever mix. he's so good. we love him already, and he knows who his 'mama' is because anytime he's sad or lonely, guess whose lap he climb into. yep, mine. and that's okay, because i like being needed, lol!