weakling

it's times like these when it's revealed to me my humanness, my weakness.

i promise i tried not to go.

i had an appointment to see my doctor at 7 weeks. when he did the ultrasound, it turned out that this baby was only measuring 6 weeks. not a good sign. but after some thought (and calculating), the dates made sense (i started my period a week early, so instead of ovulating late, i actually ovulated right on time. it's the birth control's fault. and ryan's for making me miss that pill). my fears were mildly settled.

on my way out of the door, my nurse-friend, alicia, who works at dr. beverly's office and who i adore, and who has struggled with me through endless text messages and my two miscarriages, said, 'if you get nervous, call me and i'll do an ultrasound.'

so i struggled for two weeks. ONLY two weeks! a pregnancy lasts 40 weeks and i only made it two.

this is going to be a long process.

after bleeding on and off for at least two weeks (and not the gushing kind, the twinge or streak here or there (sorry for the graphic information)), my brain got the better of me and i caved.

i told myself i was weak in faith. even if something was wrong it's not like the drs could do anything about it. if i wanted peace, i should pray for it. if i wanted this baby to survive, i should pray. i should use the verses i have memorized to quiet my spirit and my mind. God wanted me to trust Him and checking on the baby was my way of saying i didn't. a lady who is praying for me told me not to beat myself up for feeling weak and telling myself i'm a bad Christian for struggling, and what was i doing? EXACTLY what she told me NOT to do!

so i texted my nurse-friend alicia. i told her i just wanted to know if the baby was still alive, one way or the other. she said to come in.

i'm not going to lie. i'm so glad i did.

there was a baby, and it had a heartbeat. his heart was beating at 167 bpm. he had two arms, two legs, a nose, and a tail that i'm hoping will go away eventually. he was measuring approximately 8 weeks, the size he's supposed to be. he was even wiggling.

my nurse-friend alicia knows me, and she would not lie to me. she knows i want to know the truth so i can prepare for the future. she promised me that this baby and pregnancy looked 'perfect' and as far as pregnancies go, everything appears text book on screen. we both know that doesn't mean that things will turn out perfectly. we're realistic. but from our limited knowledge, things look... okay. and it's hard for me to say that because i'm still scared. i still feel like i am 'ye of little faith.' but i will try to continue praying that God will 'help my unbelief' (which, by the way, is one of my favorite verses). please continue to pray with me.

seems like the last few years have been laced with trials. in 2008 i had natalie, who spent new years in the nicu. while she and i were in the hospital here in bg, my grandmother (a true kindred spirit), went into the hospital in lexington and never came out. she passed away in january of 2009.

it was not an easy year.

2010 was the year i started taking antidepressants. they were so helpful in getting me back up on my feet and i'm glad i made the move to try out some medication to help me live a happier life.

in february of 2011 i had my first miscarriage. i was dazed and so very confused, and it took me many months to deal with what had happened. not trying for a baby, then becoming pregnant, finally wrapping my brain around another baby just for it to die...

2011 was not an easy year

when i finally thought i had things back in order and under control, i found out i was pregnant again. i was very apprehensive but thought that having two miscarriages in a row wasn't going to happen to me. until i went to the doctor who gave me an ultrasound and told me my baby was dead. so not trying for a baby again, then becoming pregnant again, finally wrapping my apprehensive brain around another baby again, just for it to die... all these things culminating to cause a mental breakdown. i'm lucky i survived.

2012 was very much not an easy year.

so here it's 2013. january passes and i've managed not to get pregnant. and february. but then march...

today i am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. i'm petrified. and when i'm not petrified, i'm numb. i want to be happy but when happiness starts to creep in it is strangled by fear and trepidation. i'm tiptoeing around this pregnancy because i can't stop thinking that it's just a matter of time until this one is over. i don't know what i'm going to do.