seems like the last few years have been laced with trials. in 2008 i had natalie, who spent new years in the nicu. while she and i were in the hospital here in bg, my grandmother (a true kindred spirit), went into the hospital in lexington and never came out. she passed away in january of 2009.

it was not an easy year.

2010 was the year i started taking antidepressants. they were so helpful in getting me back up on my feet and i'm glad i made the move to try out some medication to help me live a happier life.

in february of 2011 i had my first miscarriage. i was dazed and so very confused, and it took me many months to deal with what had happened. not trying for a baby, then becoming pregnant, finally wrapping my brain around another baby just for it to die...

2011 was not an easy year

when i finally thought i had things back in order and under control, i found out i was pregnant again. i was very apprehensive but thought that having two miscarriages in a row wasn't going to happen to me. until i went to the doctor who gave me an ultrasound and told me my baby was dead. so not trying for a baby again, then becoming pregnant again, finally wrapping my apprehensive brain around another baby again, just for it to die... all these things culminating to cause a mental breakdown. i'm lucky i survived.

2012 was very much not an easy year.

so here it's 2013. january passes and i've managed not to get pregnant. and february. but then march...

today i am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. i'm petrified. and when i'm not petrified, i'm numb. i want to be happy but when happiness starts to creep in it is strangled by fear and trepidation. i'm tiptoeing around this pregnancy because i can't stop thinking that it's just a matter of time until this one is over. i don't know what i'm going to do.