in february of 2011 i had a miscarriage. i was 6 weeks pregnant when it happened. it was all natural, there was no need for intervention, so it was easy to keep it a secret. ryan and i weren't trying to conceive a baby (we were trying to prevent a baby, actually), but nothing is 100% and we conceived. we only told my parents and a couple of my very close friends. since we weren't trying to conceive a baby, although any miscarriage would be emotionally challenging, it was a particularly difficult situation because i didn't understand God's reasoning behind an accidental (on our part) conception and almost immediate loss. i struggled with the loss for a year, and then i got pregnant again.
in february of this year, i lost a second baby, this time at 9 weeks. this was what is called a 'missed miscarriage' because there were no symptoms of loss. i went for my 11-12 week appointment and the baby had no heartbeat and had died about two weeks before i knew it. the day after i found out i had a d&c. ryan and i had told our parents and some of our friends. i have not emotionally recovered well from this second miscarriage. again, ryan and i were not trying to conceive a baby, and as with the first, conceiving unexpectedly only to lose a baby for the second time is... well, devastating. it might seem natural for a person to think that since we weren't trying to have a baby that it would be easy to get over it. let me assure you, it is not.
the reason i am posting this is because i need prayer. i have been working through this and trying to deal with it almost on my own, partially due to circumstances that cannot be helped, but mainly because i have kept these losses a secret. i can't do it on my own anymore. as much as i intercede to the Father, i feel alone. i struggle with not only loneliness, but anger, and depression. i'm not doing well. i need prayer. i can't pray alone anymore, so i'm asking you to pray for me. i am so weary...
please pray for me. pray for peace. pray for my emotional stability. i can't contend with the great deceiver anymore because he's winning. i need God's help, and i need your help getting access to it. i need a reprieve from all the questions and hurt i have inside me. i wish i was stronger than this, but i'm not, and it's high time to swallow my pride and ask for my brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside me and lift me up.
please, will you do that for me? will you love me through this? will you lift me up and encourage me? will you help me through this trial?
-Vanessa
there is a book titled Good Grief written by Granger E Westburg. I think you might benefit from reading it. I learned about it in my pastoral counseling class. It's a small book, but a powerful read. I'll be praying for you. I'm a visual prayer so I have been envisioning Jesus anointing your head with oil. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and wish there was more that I could do.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that visual. I so appreciate it :)
DeleteAlso, I think I have that book and read it a few months ago. It may be time to read it again. Thanks for reminding me.