Ten weeks. Ten weeks ten weeks ten weeks. That's how far along I am in this pregnancy. I'm at least 1/4 of the way through it. That's what i'm telling myself. however, should it end early, i'm farther along than 1/4 of the way finished. isn't that a morbid way to think? let me answer that for you: yes, it is.

not many people know this, but i'm putting it in a public place anyway, mainly because i feel safe putting it here since only four of you will see it, and i think at least one of you already knows anyway. last february ryan and i lost a baby. i was about 6 weeks along, so there weren't any invasive procedures that had to take place. i bled for a few days and the baby passed quietly at 6 weeks 1 day. it was on feb 12th of last year, and we found out two days later via ultrasound on valentine's day. so you can imagine how this past weekend went for me :)

there are all these saying and statistics that go along with miscarriage and subsequent pregnancies that are supposed to bring comfort, but mostly get on my nerves. things like there is no reason a woman can't have a successful pregnancy following a miscarriage or once a heartbeat is detected on ultrasound that the chance of miscarriage decreases significantly. let me address this latter statistic:

with my last pregnancy, i saw a heartbeat. so did my dr and the nurse that was in the room. all three of us saw it. we watched it. it was a good, strong hb, a sign of life in a tiny human being's body. i have a picture of it. seeing it does not mean that it will not stop beating at some point. seeing it means that one saw proof of life, and when that hb stopped, it means that the human being died. it died. that life ended and that person no longer lives. game over. i'm not sure what seeing has to do with it, but seeing ultimately doesn't make a difference. looking at something doesn't increase survival rate. i think this statistic is pure stupidity.

as for the first statistic, the one about having a perfectly normal pregnancy following a miscarriage, it doesn't really help with the actual miscarriage. i know that people who try to get pregnant, or have no/few previous children, and suffer a loss may find comfort in this, but what about those of us who weren't trying? we were surprised by a pregnancy when we didn't necessarily intend to get pregnant anymore. then we did. and we made a conscious decision to be happy about it (well, i did) because, even though things weren't planned, each child is a blessing (ahem, natalie) and is to be valued. and by the time we were worked up about having another baby, accepting the reality that we were going to be parents again, it was over. and we (i) am left wondering, 'what just happened? and why? what was the point of this? now what?'

i cannot express the shock of seeing a baby on a tv screen that is an image of the baby in one's womb on a thursday, then looking at the same tv screen the next monday at the image of an empty hole. it was just there four days ago. i saw it. where is it? when the dr said, 'i know you're seeing what i'm seeing,' there's a want to say, 'yeah, keep looking,' like it's been misplaced. it's been misplaced, but not in there. it's somewhere else. i'd rather not think about where that other place it, but deep down i know. looking back, i know when it happened. i called the dr when it happened and he told me it could be something else. naively, i chose to believe him, but after seeing an empty womb, i know what happened in retrospect.

what makes all of this harder is that i really trusted God to give me that baby. unfortunately, He said no. i don't know if He ever responded to me before the baby was gone, but if He did, i don't remember. i was trying not to ignore Him, but maybe i did. i'm not sure. i thought if i told Him that i wanted the baby and claimed some promise in His name that my wish would come true. clearly i knew then like i know now that that's not how it works, but something was off and i didn't get a message if one was sent. however, i really believed that that baby was going to end up in my arms, and when he/she didn't... well, there's the rub.

now on to this pregnancy. shortly after our loss and in the following few months, i wanted another baby. before i found out i was pregnant last year, i was perfectly content with the three children we have; natalie makes a good baby of the family. but over the summer, all i thought about was having another baby. i scoured the internet for information on when the right time was to have another. when would i be emotionally ready? when would i feel like i wasn't trying to replace the baby i lost? would i ever feel like i wasn't trying to replace the baby i lost? then i started to think, do we even want to have another baby? that was the question of the hour, almost every hour. i can't count the number of times i asked ryan that same question. every answer was, 'i don't know.' i tried to be decisive and make an executive decision, just saying yes or no, one way or the other, to put myself out of my misery. that didn't work either. the next day i'd be on the opposite side of the fence.

there were a few occasions (3-5 i'd say; never good enough to do it just once, right?) in which we decided we'd let God decide (as if He's not in control already). that was probably in october. this was not easy as i continued to wonder if we would have another baby. i honestly would have been happy either way. we have been blessed with three healthy, happy, beautiful children who have enhanced our lives. while part of me doesn't want to disturb that balance because i love these three children so much, i have been taught to never take a pregnancy, another little one, for granted. regardless of all that, i guess God decided to pick up the control i had so struggled to lay at His feet. and it was a struggle, because it was wrapped in all the hurt, pain, anger, and brokenness that was left after our loss. it was a big package to carry, and He has been faithful bear my burden. like He promised He would.

and here we are!

this is God's Will for us. when i look at my 'charts' i know it is. i don't take birth control. it makes me crazy. and with my current level of crazy (i take antidepressants to stabilize my mood and keep me from being mean and weepy 23/6 out of 24/7) i need no more hormones in my body to compete with. however, for the last three years, ryan and i have strictly practiced natural family planning, which includes temp charting and analysis of...bodily functions, plus scientific research to predict safe times to.. be...intimate. and it's pretty rigid and we've been rigid with it. we were taking precautions with our last pregnancy and it still happened (yeah, trojan owes us), so it wasn't a lack of effort on our part. the same is true with this pregnancy. if you follow the link above, and as we all learned in biology, a woman with a typical cycle ovulated on day 14. i've always been late, ovulating on day 15-16, but because an egg only lives for 12-24 hours, if i ovulate a day or two late, this particular system should compensate for that because unprotected sex is supposed to be delayed until day 20.

when i went in for my first ultrasound, i measured six days late based on the typical 28 day cycle with ovulation on day 14 (because everyone is so different, it's necessary for drs to have some sort of average). i had another ultrasound done a few days later, still measuring six days late. another ultrasound a couple of days later. consistently growing...at six days late. if you haven't done the math yet, guess what day that would have been. what's 14+6?

i ovulated on day 20.

tmi:

i also had sex with my husband on day 20.

i know all this because i chart. twenty days is late even for me. tell me that wasn't something...divine.

well, now that that's out there, i think i feel a little better. i haven't sat down and said these thoughts to any one person at any single time. now that i've had a year to process, look back, and re-evaluate, i can see the process in its entirety (at least up until now). with this pregnancy i have been able to go to God and say, 'whatever happens, happens. and whatever happens, please give me the peace and strength to encounter it. please guide me through it, because i know i cannot do this without You.' maybe that was the lesson in all of this. i believe time, and the Lord, will tell.